Truths For Mature Humans

I always get a kick out of this no matter where I see it or how often it gets forwarded to me in an email:

Truths For Mature Humans

·         I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediate clear your computer history if you die.

·         Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

·         I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

·         There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

·         How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

·         Was learning cursive really necessary?

·         MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

·         Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

·         I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

·         Bad decisions make good stories.

·         You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

·         Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection… again.

·         I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

·         “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this – ever.

·         I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Fuck it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What did you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?

·         I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

·         I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

·         I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

·         I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

·         I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

·         Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

·         I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

·         The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

·         I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

·         How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?

·         I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

·         Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

·         Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber and dumber every year?

·         There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning you chair back a little too far.

·         As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists. 

·         Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

·         Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail of the Donkey – but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!