A friend on Facebook, well, actually, we're friends IRL, (also neighbors) posted a link to this article on Facebook. It describes the friendships that Minnesotans have with each other and with newcomers.
It hit the nail on the head dead on.
I'm not a transplant, I am a native however, Bimmer Man and I moved away for three years and then moved back. In that time frame I became an outsider to my college friends. I wasn't invited to Christmas parties or shopping or coffee or lunches or dinners or much else unless it was a large scale party.
But hold on - before you think I'm blaming them for my "outsider-ness" let me go on. I'm the type of person that gets wrapped up in my life - I'd rather be immersing myself in a book (I just started The Bear and the Nightingale by Katherine Arden and I think it's AMAZING! It's also a trilogy, yay!), or riding my bike or exercising or walking or cleaning. Or I'm just freaking lazy and want to watch tv. Those things don't really include friends unless I choose to ask someone to do them with me. And I value my alone time. It recharges me for being me. And I can be a terrible friend. I'm socially awkward, I can say the wrong things, I ask too many personal questions, I really have no idea how to have an adult conversation without being awkward. I am who I am and that won't change.
Another part of it is that in Minnesota most people are friends with their family, or their childhood friends, there's not much want for a change in the social circle of a Minnesotan. Once a Minnesotan has a circle of friends, they don't want to let new people in as a close friend - acquaintance: yes - but not a close friend. That holds seriously true. It also holds true for when someone leaves - that new open spot is either filled by someone new (most likely a cousin or childhood friend) OR the circle just closes.
So see? I don't blame them at all for my becoming an outsider. That's just what happens in Minnesota.
My friend that posted this article also pointed out that people in Minnesota say, "Let's get together!" when in fact, that's not what they want at all, people just say that to be polite. I find that truer than snow is white and grass is green. I've actually stopped saying that so when I do say "Let's get together!" I make plans and stick to them. If someone says "Let's get together!" to me, then I wait for the other person to make plans - if that's something that they want to do, then by all means, I'm going to let that person plan it and I will show up!
Since moving away and now being back for several years, I've realized that I have had to "date" friends again to see if we get along. It's been interesting and crazy and fun to catch up with people I haven't seen in years. It also makes me realize that I'm totally socially awkward. I realized that I had to put myself out there and contact people, which inevitably ended up in a lot of self-reflection.
(To the point of self-reflection - I met up with my old best friend from high school, which somehow we ended up fighting in high school over something, I apologized and now we're friends again - when we talk it's like we've seen each other daily, she's amazing! She has now moved to northern Minnesota and so I don't get to see her but I think of her daily. If only she were my next door neighbor again, I'd love it.) And this whole paragraph totally shows how awkward I am. I share details that most people don't need to know? Or maybe need to know to understand my point since I ramble? I'm not sure! HA!
I could do a whole other post on "MOM DATING" too. Because dating other moms is sort of fucked up because you not only need your kids to get along but you have to get along with the other mom and realize that if you go a week without texting, it's ok! Sometimes people are only in your life for a short time, like during ECFE classes or through preschool and then you don't see them again. And you have to be ok with that too. There were lots of moms that I enjoyed in ECFE and preschool and I don't see them anymore - since the little ones have grown up, we're now doing different activities, at different schools, and there's new moms to meet. Luckily, I have found my fellow mom. She's awesome. And not from Minnesota!
In any case, after reading the article and talking to my fellow neighbor friend, I reflected on the fact that making friends as an adult is really hard. It's not like school growing up where you're thrown together with a bunch of kids and everyone is "your friend." You have to date; you have to do a lot of self-reflection; you have to realize that not everyone wants to be friends - some people only want to be acquaintances AND you have to be ok with that; you have to know what you want out of friendships; then you have to go out and find that person(s).
And hopefully be accepted into THEIR friend circle.
Good luck my fellow transplant, non-native, native-outsider Minnesotans!
Link to article:
https://www.minnpost.com/cityscape/2015/06/many-twin-cities-newcomers-social-climate-uninviting-weather
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