I'm not normally in such a bad mood, but lately it's been awful! So I did a search for workplace humor and these ones made me laugh. Outloud. In any case, there are some people at my work who look down upon secretaries, and let me tell you... I will not be a secretary forever and so those people can kiss my butt in two years when they're still here and I'm in a spacious chalet in the Swiss Alps. They could've been invited, but karma bit them in the butt and I won't return their attitude.
I always treat people the way that I would like to be treated and here I don't get much in return, and so my mom always told me, "Don't you hate it when karma bites you in the ass???"
Dilbert's Words of Wisdom
1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow's not looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially love the swooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
4. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
6. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
7. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
8. I don't suffer from stress - I'm a carrier...
9. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo...
10. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
WAYS TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE
Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)
Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it".
Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye".
"Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.
Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!".
Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."
Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
Walk sideways to the photocopier.
Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
When driving colleagues around insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep 'em tuned up."
Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.
Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it".
Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think?".
Practice making fax and modem noises.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
Staple papers in the middle of the page.
Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.
type only in lowercase.
dont use any punctuation either
Repeat the following conversation a few times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
Ask people what gender they are.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
Sit in the car park at lunch time pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".
Why not try some of the following neat little exercises, not only will it make meetings more interesting but your fellow workmates will become suddenly more alert and maintain a respectful distance. By following these simple guidelines during important meetings, you too can be an unmitigated success:
Discreetly clasp hold of someone's hand and whisper: 'can you feel it?' from the corner of your mouth.
Draw enormous genitalia on your notepad and discreetly show it to the person next to you for their approval.
When refreshments are presented, immediately distribute one biscuit to each of the attendees, then systematically smash each one with your fist in front of them.
Chew tobacco.
Wear a hands free phone headset throughout once in a while drift off into an unrelated conversation, such as: 'I don't care if there are no dwarfs, just get the show done!'
Write the words 'he fancies you' on your pad and show it to the person next to you while indicating with your pen.
Respond to a serious question with: 'I don't know what to say, obviously I'm flattered, but it's all happened so fast'.
Use Nam style jargon such as 'what's the ETA?', 'who's on recon?' & Charlie don't surf'.
Reconstruct the meeting in front of you using action figures and when anyone moves re-arrange the figures accordingly.
Shave one of your forearms.
Draw a chalk circle around one of the chairs then avoid sitting on it, when the meeting starts. When someone does eventually sit in it, cover your mouth and gasp.
Turn your back on the meeting and sit facing the window with your legs stretched out. Announce that you 'love this dirty town'.
Walk directly up to a colleague and stand nose to nose with him for 1 minute.
Mount the desk and walk along its length before taking your seat.
Reflect sunlight into everyone's eyes off your watch face.
Gargle with water.
Repeat every idea they express in a baby voice while moving your hand like a chattering mouth.
Gradually push yourself closer and closer to the door on your chair.
Hum throughout.
Pull out a large roll of bank notes and count them demonstratively.
Bend momentarily under the table then emerge wearing contact lenses that white out your eyes.
Drop meaningless & confusing management speak into conversations such as:' what's the margin, Marvin?"When's this turkey going to get basted?" If we don't get this brook babbling we're all going to end up looking like doe-eyed labradors'
Produce a hamster from your pocket and suggest throwing it to one another as a means of idea-exchange.
Use a large hunting knife to point at your visual aids.
Announce that you've run off some copies of the meeting agenda. Then hand out pieces of paper that read:My secret agenda1 Trample the weak2 Triumph alone3 Invade PolandRe-collect them sheepishly and ask everyone to pretend they haven't seen them.
Attempt to hypnotise the entire room using a pocket watch.
Leave long pauses in your speech at random moments. When someone is prompted to interject shout 'I AM NOT FINISHED'.
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